Chronicles Of Q

Sucks

Big Time

I hadn’t realized how integral dance was to my identity until now

I mean I knew it was important, I know I loved it, I knew it gave me a sense of… something

See that’s the thing about dance for me, it gives me “words” for my emotions. My first blues workshop was down in San Diego instructed by Damon Stone. It was held in a studio whose walls displayed quotes reflecting the beauty of dance. This is paraphrased but it was something to the effect of “Dance is the source of expression for the emotions we don’t have words to express” that IS the first time I realized that dance gave me a voice I had never used before, one that could express things in my life, things in my experience of this world, that words never seems to accurately describe.

I grew up believing that the display of emotion was weak and I, of course, wanted to be strong.

Everything about this process seems painful and brings to light my half-hatched way of living.

Physically, physical therapy is kicking my butt. I always use to think I was so strong. I mean hell, I walked on a sprained ankle for 2 blocks before turning around and walk those 2 plus 3 more back and only started crying after I saw my ankle had swollen to the size of a tennis ball and only because it looked scary. But my striving for toughness helped put me in this predicament and it’s most likely the reason why I was able to be pleasantly informed by the PT doc that I have all kinds of alignment issues with my hip, knees, ankles and all the muscles and tendons associated with BOTH my legs.  I haven’t respected my body’s limits

Emotionally, without dance I have no words. I have no release. I have no grounds for exploration of my emotional state. In an effort to be tough I have stunted my own emotional growth.

Socially without dance I’ve been feeling very alone. Very Alone. Without dance I don’t really have any place to go, to hang out and to interact with human beings. I mean I have my kitten and she’s great and all but her conversational skills are SEVERLY limited. though what disturbs me more is that in all those months that I did go dancing two, three times a week I never worked to establish deep, real connections that probably would have help me weather this rough patch. I chose to stay detached, to remain, politely, at arms length. The fear of rejected, neglected or abandoned has kept me from experiencing a social network with any kind of depth.

Spiritually I have grown bitter, angry and depressed. I have distanced myself God and others. My love for humankind has dropped off along with neglecting the pursuit to create a meaningful relationship with God. My ability to impact others based in love is severely impaired by poor attitude and lack of connection to Him who is the source of love. My attempts to live this life as a self-sustained island have left me powerless to experience fullness in this life.

Now, I wish I could be as insightful as Aesop tying up this fable giving you some gleaming brilliant moral but all I have for you is all I know right now not having seen the other side of this tunnel

Bruising a bone and spraining a knee sucks

PT is hard

Life can be lonely

Emotions don’t seem to fair well bottled up

and

Sometimes the only way to glimpse what’s even in your own heart is to sit and write it down