Grow Up
Does it seem every blogger starts out with, “It’s been so long since I’ve posted but”
I will join those ranks!
I’m on sleepless night number 4. SUCKS!
So i hear it’s not good to just stay in bed when you can’t sleep. so hear i sit 2am on a school night typing to the ether.
Today a friend made a comment about misspent youth. Got me thinking, which is a lot of what you do when you’re staring at the ceiling trying to sleep. Tonight mental meanderings had just enough of a trajectory to go somewhere on the fuel of his statement.
i’m not a kid anymore. i know my parents and all their friends will heartily declare that i am “Still so young!” i don’t disagree with them, but it is true that i am no longer a kid.
With my 30th year on the horizon i begin to realize, well rather, i’m choosing to come to grips with the fact that my life does not have a clear direction.
i get so lost inside myself. i wander around the labyrinth corridors of “what if” and “if only”. i never know when to commit and when to keep my options open. i quit when i’m pot committed and i surrender before i’ve seen return on my investment. Always the wrong decision for a right pursuit.
i’m not sure if i’m just too hard on myself, if i just can’t catch a break or if how i view the world simply sits on the receiving end of ill-prescribed glasses.
i came to a decision, as i lay in bed tossing from side to side trying to catch a glimpse of dreamland, that every choice i made from here on out would have reason, would have purpose, would be required to line up with a future pursuit.
Seems like a solid plan in a half-dazed attempt at slumber.
I was so convinced that was the answer. No more folly. Every second would be accounted for and it’s merit weighed according to the value it held in relation to my future goals. I would declare it to the world, into the void of the internet i would proclaim
“Every action henceforth performed by me would serve only to drive me further into my future with direct accuracy!”
And then i panic.
Not rightly sure i can say why i panic, but i did, just then when i wrote that sentence and began to think about what it would take to mean such a statement. i would have to choose to take ownership of where my life was going. i would have to say “no”. i wouldn’t be able pursue a life with multiply paths. I wouldn’t be able to just keep my options open. And that scares me.
Probably one of the most interesting things i’ve learning about storytelling is that you can’t tell everybody’s story and still have it be effective. It has to be one person’s story. The power of one man or woman’s struggle out weighs the power of a thousand. Without the one speaking for the whole, the message is lost in the sea of voices. The voice of the one has to be powered by the strength of the masses.
The most powerful experience i’ve had with this idea comes from viewing the film “Trouble the Waters”. A powerful documentary about a couple who heroically survived the Hurricane Katrina disaster.
Anyway, i guess my point with that is i need to chose to tell one story. i need to tell my story and i need for it to have a clear path laid out and followed in order for it to have an impact. Now i don’t know what that looks like and right now i still have a lot to consider on that line of thought, but i suppose, for now, i would like make clear and purposeful decision about where my life is going, so that in the future, i can get there.
I’ll try for no more misspent time.
